not just yet
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Is Ogata-sensei's obsession over wanting to challenge Sai more than a friendly match over skills?


**Fandom: Hikaru no Go**  
**Title: not just yet.**  
**Pairing: Ogata + Sai**  
**Rating: pg**  
**Description: Is Ogata-sensei's obsession over wanting to challenge Sai more than a friendly match over skills?**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go isn****'****t mine, but the haiku is.**

**not just yet.  
By miyamoto yui**

The sakura had long bloomed and fallen to the ground.

On the tree-lined avenue before the young man, there were maple leaves falling slowly while rotating as if caught in slow-motion, as if the great woodblock artists were capturing the amber-colored fingers onto their drawings. Autumn had obviously come, but with  
the stacks of abandoned leaves falling to the ground, it was almost winter.

The air was crisp, and everyone thought of bundling up to keep warm, as the instinct of every animal upon the Earth. The young man, who was walking away from the sunset, found himself stopping to turn around to look at the line of the horizon that seemed so absolute, even for a moment's time. The sky was turning into many colors. He found it interesting that he could be standing under a sky that turned both orange and purple-blue at the same time, a time to mark the crossing of day into night.

It was his favorite part of the day. But as much as the horizon held its own aestheticism, he found happiness in another scene that made him just as tranquil.

He was going tutoring.

After all, a teacher's pride was the student who necessarily wasn't the most skillful player, but the one who loved something to the point of wanting to be blinded by it. This passion was what drove him to the home of his student, which was across town, for the student lived in the courts.

Despite his blond hair, he had won the reputation of a well-established Go player. And his signature pose of having a book in his hand was something that everyone knew, even if they'd never meet him in person. His prowess was known throughout the land, but that never got into his head, like an edict that promised he'd be a jerk filled with arrogance for such a gift. No, ironically, his hair made him humble because he was so conscious over it. In fact, even though he was confident on the outside, the one thing that made him wince in public was the mention of that hair.

When he got to the student's home, he was immediately ushered into the room that was specifically used for Go. The student was already there and patiently waited for his tutor. The young child with chin-length hair brightened as his tutor came into the room. With his tutor, he could be a little relaxed because he didn't have to always keep up his guard about being "the refined heir". Even though he tried his best, it seemed that that didn't matter in his household.  
He was pushed from one party to another as an object of attention, a display piece if you could imagine, instead of a human being with feelings, mistakes, and strengths. For now, everyone was commenting on how beautiful the young man was becoming and that prospects should be looked up now so that they could grow into suitable brides in the future.

After greeting each other, the boy smiled as he looked into his teacher's eyes, who was positioning himself on the cushion across him. "What are we going to talk about today, Sensei?"  
As always, the teacher answered, "I'll think of it as we go along."

That was what the boy always enjoyed about the tutor. The tutor would tell him of things outside the walls of his home. Because he was a renowned player, he had the privilege of having a traveling pass to go through various districts and such to compete in competitions.  
And when he went around, he'd always bring back a present for his student.

They began their lesson, and it was very intense.

Even though the boy was still unstable in his techniques, he was learning well and the tutor knew he'd grow into a wonderful player. He loved the way the boy's purple eyes lit up whenever they played. He was so happy to instill the passion of his art into someone who understood the depth of his love for a game that became his way of life.

For only few could live on the dreams of the talents that Kami-sama gave them. Or was it a promise on an oni? Could it be both?

After this particular lesson, they went into the garden and walked around. The sensei brought out a small painting of a temple from his hometown.  
"When I went into my first competition, I came here first. I prayed here for a wish."

But of course, wishes came with consequences. You couldn't get something for nothing. The world wouldn't be balanced if things ran that way.  
"And at this particular temple, some people were afraid to pray there because there was a rumor that even though your wish definitely came true, you had to pay a heavy price. But whatever that was, you didn't know. It would come in time," the sensei said as he handed the picture to his student. "It's as if I signed my soul away, isn't it?"  
The student looked up into his sensei's solid, yet lonesome eyes. Then he stared at the picture between his hands. "But why go, Sensei?"  
"What is there to lose?" the sensei told him with his hands behind his back and walking a little ahead of him.

He sounded so sure of himself, as if he knew what price he'd pay. And he was happy about it?  
The student ran next to him so that he'd not be left behind, but he remembered the story that his teacher told him.

In a gentle voice while patting the boy's soft hair, he told him, "You'll understand, Sai-kun. Someday, you'll understand why I did it."

**+/+/+**

When he went to Touya-sensei's home to get lessons, he was confused. The dreams had started ever since he turned thirteen, but they continued like they were secret films of a past life that he could feel but no longer participate in. Each part came at strange parts of his life, all important in their messages.

Even though he was the one playing the part of sensei, it was he who learned these lessons while going through life. But he never knew the cause of why these dreams suddenly appeared.  
And as he took his lessons from Touya-sensei, he couldn't help but laugh inside while looking at the little boy with his wide eyes that reminded him of Sai in his dreams. He never talked much to Akira, but whenever he looked at him, he wondered if the boy was going through the same feelings he did when he was growing up with Go.

Go was something that made him go insane inside. It was a game that made his mind think too much, but it challenged him enough to keep him interested all these years.

But the dreams, no matter old he had become, they came to haunt him. In pieces, they'd come in order. He was the sensei that would teach the young Sai all that he knew.

Time in both sides of reality seemed to move so slowly. Sometimes, he didn't know where he was when he woke up.

"Sensei, may I come with you on one of the tournaments? Please?" asked the lavender-haired boy who was turning into a young adolescent at that time. "I want to go with you."  
The sensei laughed as they were fixing up the go chips. He was laughing because he had always wanted to ask, but never knew if it was appropriate, or if his student would even want to go. Even though he told him of what happened outside of the walls of his room or what things looked like, there was some part of him that was selfish. He wanted Sai to stay the way he was, untouched by the ugliness of the world.

That was impossible, of course. For how could a flower bloom without the harsh seasons?  
The sakura couldn't be pink without the blood of the people beneath them, or so he had been told. He believed it though.

But as the student came over to his side of the Go board and tugged his shirt even though he was already too old for that. He pouted with a slight frown. The sensei looked away so that he wouldn't have to look into those wonderfully, intense eyes of his.

He smirked as he said, "Why would you like to come?"  
"Because I want to see you play. I've seen you play here, but I want to watch you, Sensei."

Yes, it had been this long and he never allowed Sai to watch him play, but what was he afraid of? He didn't know what was holding him back, or was he so aware of it that he was trying to avoid it with all of his heart?  
"I will see if I can then."  
Then, he got up with the student grinning at him.

And he was able to get permission.

They traveled to where the tournament was being held  
and they talked all the time. Some people couldn't believe that they were only teacher and student because they looked like brothers on a vacation. It was refreshing. The sensei never thought it'd be this draining, yet fun to be with someone on a trip. He was used to the quietness that covered every part of his life like a blanket. Well, that was until his student came into his life. That part of his life, under this blanket of tranquility, was crumpled and he didn't want to mend it. It was invigorating.

The tournament lasted several days and even though he was concentrating on the game, some part of him glanced at his proud student. It comforted him.  
He was beginning to feel how old he was and how all his life, he didn't know what it meant to actually be with people. He talked with them all right, but he never let anyone in except that one student. The one who started out so bad in Go that he couldn't tell if  
he could even teach him. But as a sensei, one could tell a skillful player from a talented one. A natural one.

All his life, he was happy to just watch the koi pond that he had. He had all he needed. That's all he wanted anyway.  
And now, he seemed to be aware that he wanted more.

When he won, the student insisted that they have a party in their room, even if it was just the two of them. Being unaccustomed to this type of lifestyle, he blinked at the student.

"I just usually eat something different, but nothing more."  
"It's all right to have fun once in a while." He laughed at his sensei. "You're always so practical. Doesn't it get tiring to think so much?"  
"Once in a while," he said as he drank his tea while eating.

The student looked out the window while putting a piece of meat into his mouth. "I wish things could stay like this…"  
"Where did that come from?" the sensei said with concern all over his tone. The gregarious student he had become accustomed to was becoming more and more serious as the days went by. And he knew, he was growing up.

He couldn't keep him like that forever. It always made him sad to think that, but he never let it show.

"Everyone's pulling me in different directions. But all I know is that I want to play. I just want to play Go." He turned towards his sensei and put his chopsticks down. "What is wrong with liking the way things the way they are now?"

"There's nothing wrong with that." He put his chopsticks down as he took a sip of his tea. But then, he began to chuckle to himself while avoiding the eyes of his student. He looked at the ground.  
"But you have to surpass me, Sai. Things always change."  
At that moment, the wind blew and some sakura petals fell onto the balcony and into the room.

When they went to sleep, the sensei looked up to the ceiling. In the darkness, he couldn't express his inner grief while recalling their conversation through dinner. Things had to change, but when he thought they happened so slowly, why did he suddenly run out of time?

"Sensei?" the student's hesitant voice asked as he slept in his other futon. "Are you still awake?"  
"Yes. I was thinking of taking a walk right now."  
The boy turned around. "Can I come over there?"  
"Okay."  
When the boy came, he slept next to his sensei, even though he was outside of the futon. The sensei had not expected this, but he sighed. He always let him do as he pleased, so why was he going to stop him now?

But he didn't want him to come any closer to him.  
It would break him to say goodbye to the one person that acknowledged his existence as a human, and not as a Go player with the demonic blond hair. He was the single person who had somehow pushed into his heart with such force that he couldn't do anything but succumb to such power.

"I'm so confused. And I still don't know what to do." The student was looking at him and for the first time, they were this close. It made them re-evaluate each other from this perspective.  
"I look at the picture you gave me. And I wonder…" He sighed. "I still haven't found the answer. I still don't understand. And I feel like you're going to leave before I get that answer."  
"Don't think that," the sensei replied. "An answer comes when it has to. Even if it seems late, that's probably the time you were meant to know."

They were silent for a while, but the tension thickened.

"Can I sleep with you today? Just for tonight. I won't ever ask again," he whispered into his ear so that no one could hear him.  
The sensei's heartbeat became faster and faster.  
There was the moral thing to do and then there was the not so moral thing to do. It shouldn't have mattered so much, but he knew better.

He knew better than to give an answer that he'd make both of them regret.

More silence ensued.

Finally, when he was ready to answer the "correct" response, it was too late. The student's eyes were already closed, and his sleeping face faced him. He looked at the student and his eyes became very, very sad. He touched Sai's hair, which had grown very long. And then, he rested his hand on his cheek.  
Closing his eyes, his lips touched his forehead and then he rested his hand on his.

And Sai's hand wouldn't let go. Intertwined fingers, he refused to let the sensei go. And the sensei had a sleepless night imprinting the whole scene into his heart and lock it inside of himself.

**+/+/+**  
All around the tournament hall, there was a secret going around.

And when he was told this secret, Ogata's eyes became a little wide, but in order to  
camouflage his shock, he pushed up his glasses. He tried to hear everything as clearly as possible.  
Had he heard right? After almost a decade of a dream life completely stopping, why had it come back? And why to this side of reality?

"Sai," he was told.

Sai.

There was no such thing as coincidence. And now, he would start looking for Sai all over again. It was the name that made him smile to himself with confidence; it was the name that also made him feel so sad inside. Even though he was not real, he learned  
to love that student in his dreams.  
It was so strong and intense that there was one month in which he let everything go, saying he needed a temporary vacation. The last dream had ended with him looking at Sai sleeping and suddenly that was taken away. He mourned for it in his own way.

And now that name had found its name here.

Was his dream really a past life? Even if it was cut off into parts within himself? He didn't know.  
Foolishly, he did so much research, but there was no such person in history named Sai. How dumb his conviction was, but why?

Why was Sai suddenly here?

When he wasn't ready to say goodbye in any reality,  
Sai suddenly disappeared.

No…  
No, he didn't want to go through it all over again.

**+/+/+**

"I refuse to play," the student had said with his arms crossed as they both sat across the square board that ruled both of their worlds.  
It was what brought them together, but it also kept them far apart.

"What is this childishness?" the sensei said with his eyebrows knotting together. "You've never been this way. Why are you doing this now?"

The student kept silent as he watched the snow falling outside. How fast the seasons had passed between the two of them. And he still felt like the little boy that sat in front of his teacher introducing himself, but spilled his tea on his lap when it ran across the table and onto the sensei's clothes. He was sure the sensei didn't want to teach him for showing him how naive he was as well as a klutz.  
The sensei only smiled and said he'd be his teacher anyway.

The both of them didn't want to let go. Not now, not ever.

"I've already arranged that you will start tutoring at the palace, but that is once you defeat me, Sai," the sensei firmly said while trying not to show that he was falling apart.  
It was all so that his beloved student could continue to study Go, and yet not have to marry. He could pursue whatever he wanted with all his soul intact.

"No!" The student looked down and crunched his hands onto his clothes. He started to cry, and the sensei sighed.

If only the student knew how much he was crying inside, then he'd realize that his sorrow could not be expressed in tears any longer. It was embedded deep within him.

It was then that, he faked his sternness, with all the strength he could conjure up at the most painful moment of his life. He looked straight at the student and said, "Don't shame me by being weak, Sai. Have you not learned from me all these years to be strong not only as a player, but as a person?

"How are you going to ever learn about taking hold of the happiness in life if you're dwelling in the possible sadness?"

The student wiped his tears and nodded his head. "I'm sorry, Sensei."

And when they played that day, Sai won.  
They parted with only a bow and eyes that wanted to say much more than a touch could ever convey.

That was the dream that he had last night and it ran through his head as he chased after Shindou Hikaru in the hospital. The kid had something mysterious about him, but more than this, he knew where to find Sai.  
Could he ever get away from Sai and what he now believed to be a past life?  
For no dream could be that painful. No, a dream this beautiful and tragic couldn't be called a nightmare, and its sadness could be misleading for it to be truly called a dream.

But for him, it was a wonderful dream.  
And yet, everything was unresolved.

"I've got to find Sai," he thought to himself as he ran down the hospital halls like a maniac. He never left the sphere of his comfort, but nothing mattered if he could finally find out if the mystery of Shindou, the boy whose eyes and personality were similar to Sai's in a way.  
"I have to play him!" he shouted inside of his mind as this same voice burst through his rapidly-beating heart.

When he caught Shindou in his arms, he pushed his shoulders against a wall and desperately asked, "Let me play Sai!"

Maybe the plea sounded like a challenge to see how good he was, but he knew himself. He wanted to know if they played similarly.  
And if he did?

Even though he didn't know what he he'd do about the result, it would finally put an end to everything. He would not have to chase after him anymore.  
He wouldn't have to believe and love someone that was deep inside a dream and inside his mind.

But that day never came.

Ogata-sensei played Sai when he was too drunk to remember. It was through the body of Hikaru, but he could see an image, in his drunkenness, of the boy that he had taught inside of his dream. It made him smile and made him feel like something would always eat his heart away. That's why he couldn't help but drink more.  
Even if they were illusions, if he could silently see Sai, then maybe it would comfort him.

When Hikaru left, he fell into a deep sleep.

**+/+/+**  
The sensei went back to the temple of his hometown and prayed,

"Long ago, I came with a wish. But today, I come with another one and it is for my student. Please make him the best player that he could possibly be. For as long as he can."  
He paid as many coins as he could donate for this wish.

_/After living with happiness, how can you bear to live without it?  
It__'__s like living with no purpose. And I know that I can__'__t take this. Maybe I__'__ve been a poor sensei to you all your life./_

When the student heard of his former sensei, the news came to him after his first major tournament. He was told that his sensei had drowned himself in a river.  
And he had left Sai a haiku in his place.

**+/+/+**

The spirit living in Hikaru's body did not recognize Ogata-sensei at all, only saying that he was a player whose intensity rivaled that of his former  
challengers. And that was all right.  
For his mind blocked out a lot of his childhood when he passed from generation to generation. He remembered the former Shuusaku Honinbou, but he forgot the first sensei. The one that had hurt him to the point that he wanted to forget. He blocked it out.

But after fulfilling his mission, as he was fading while Hikaru was falling asleep during their last match together, Sai's eyes filled with even more tears. When he said to goodbye to the little boy that he loved so much and cared for, it was then that he remembered the face of the former sensei, who looked a lot like Ogata.

He now understood his words:  
"Don't think that. An answer comes when it has to. Even if it seems late, that's probably the time you were meant to know."

Sai couldn't remember the haiku the teacher had given to him, but this was enough for now.

More tears fell, but he was smiling,  
Paralleling the look of his sensei so long ago.

He thought to himself, "Now…now I understand."

The sunlight hit Ogata's face and he blinked his eyes to the rising sun. His eyes squinted as he turned his face away with the tears that escaped from his eyes.

Immediately, Ogata scrounged around to write the haiku from his head before it faded:

"The seasons will change,  
Time will go on forever,  
But don't forget me."

No one could live various lifetimes without changing,  
but was it true that the heart stayed the same time?  
Was it really as timeless as he believed it was?

Yes, it had to be. He was there, wasn't he?

No matter what, then or now, he would always chase after Sai. He couldn't let go.

Not just yet...  
Not just yet.

**Owari.**

**Author****'****s note: **I really, really like this pairing. In fact, it is my second favorite pairing in HnG. The plot came as I wrote along.

Hope you enjoyed it!

Love,  
Yui

**Monday, June 14, 2004**


End file.
